I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
