We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
