I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
