I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
