I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize