Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
