im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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