My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
