i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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