I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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