haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
