i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
this just has baby written all over it
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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