Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we're making bets on your personal life
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
