Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize