saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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