Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
