My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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