He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
