He disabled his match.com account in front of me
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
