I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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