i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
