Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
