In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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