??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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