I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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