I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
