Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
