he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
