smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
