So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
