In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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