i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
