I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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