I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize