Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
it hurts more in the daytime
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
