Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize