Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
