i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
