first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
