He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm too high and old for this...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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