Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
