Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just threw up on my dentist
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
