I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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