and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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