I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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