I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
