$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
