what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
