you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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