how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
