just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
