I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
