You just made me feel so damn special
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
