i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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