In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You can't special order awesome
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
