You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
