Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
