did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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