Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
